| You're the only one who makes my heart want to beat's Journal |
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You're the only one who makes my heart want to beat
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| Whats going on with me? |
[09 Jan 2004|02:35am] |
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mood |
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music |
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Evanesence - Whisper |
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I haven't used this in ages. I should. Alots happened since I last updated. Maybe I should add that Pete and I aren't together anymore. Due to me and my relationship clostraphobia. I'm such a couple fuck up. I can't seem to stay with one person for more than 3 weeks.. And, no. I don't mean I cheat. I just mean I .... Get bored, I suppose. Theres something about all the stuff that comes with being taken, I like being my own person.
I seem to be pushing great guys away.. First Mike.... Then Stu.... Alex.... Then Matt (although he turned out to be a bastard!)... Pete.... Dan... Lewis .D.... And If I wasn't so.. Eh.. Me.. I reckon everyone of those relationships would have turned out to be great.
I guess the whole "you need to find happiness in yourself before you look for it in someone else" quote kinda comes into this too.. I'm far from happy with myself. I get terribly self conscious.. I hate the fact of someone staring at me incase they ACTUALLY REALISE how fucking ugly I am. Along with the enormous fear of rejection, I've seen it happen too many times.. They tell you that they love you.. Then decide that they'd much rather be with someone else. I don't know, maybe I watch too much television.
Sex also seems to play a big part in keeping a guy... and if thats the way it is, then I'd be happy to stay single forever. Sex is something I want to be special for the both of us.. Theres no point in it if it's just a "fuck" to the other person. I've made too many mistakes in my life.. This is not going to be one of them.
I love how most of my friends are with guys.. And they're happy enough to introduce them to me.. But when it comes to me having a guy.. I'm shit scared of any type of contact with him and my mates. There's nothing I want more than to be so totally in love with a guy and have him feel the same way, to the extent of him not giving a shit about how attractive my friends are in comparison to me. Who knows, I may have met that person already.. And let him slip away between my fingers. I've already lost 2 friends due to secrecy and betrayel. Both of which were meant to be BEST FRIENDS. So, I guess it's decided that I keep my bf/or someone I'm remotely interested in away from everyone.
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[15 Sep 2003|04:03pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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Amy Studt - Little Girl |
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I figured It's about time I updated this thing.
So much has happened the past few weeks, but I guess I don't need to tell you how much of a retard I am. :D :D
Lmao.
YES! SO, I'M MEANT TO BE SERIOUS. THIS IS MY JOURNAL AFTER ALL!! >.>
<.<
>.>
I'm a murderer. I've killed too many people that I can't even fit them in my cupboard anymore.
OMG, PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE.
I've been having fun with the males, NO, NOT LIKE THAT YOU DIRTY ANIMALS. I've cut off their dick n shoved it in their ears. LYKE OMG. ROFLMFAOLOLOL!
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[14 Aug 2003|07:27pm] |
Today I got up and felt like I'd just been hit in the face with a cricket bat.
Was so sore to smile or even cough, turned the computer on and went online.
Seen Emma was on and got talking to her, she noticed something was wrong, I wasn't my usual retarded self and she insisted that we meet up and I explain everything.
I hate talking about stuff like that in person, I really do.
We arranged to meet at the heavitree pub and discuss it over a pint.. She noticed the bruise before I started to talk tho, I think she guessed most of it before I even opened my mouth.
Thing is, talking doesn't do me any good, It feels great to get it off my chest and just get all my bitching done with. But It doesn't make me any happier, I need to try and forget these things.. It's the way I handle stuff. I bottle it away and pretend like It didn't happen.
I set the pool table up and won about 6 games then this 60/70 year old guy came over and told Emma what she was doing wrong.. I couldn't stop laughing. Poor girl.
After that game he challenged me to a game, he was so cocky and sure of himself. When a ball didn't go in he'd be like "THATS A GOAL KEEPER, I'm just lining myself up for the next shot" but did he get it in?? NAAAAAH. He was so pissed off when I was down to the black ball when he still had 5 on the table. But I got a handshake and it was done. Emma was rollin. Then we just got outside and laughed all the way to her place.
It's weird how all my friends can tell when i'm hiding something, because I act even more retarded than normal without meaning too.. It's just my way of TRYING so damn hard to pretend like I'm okay. And when they ask if I'm alright I swear blind I am, even tho I just feel like crying. I've never been any different though, It doesn't appeal to me blubbing in front of people, I don't want to make anyone else miserable so I try my best to get on with the day.
It was good to see her again though, and It did get my mind off things.
I love my friends. <3
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[14 Aug 2003|06:53pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Pink - Don't let me get me |
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Lots of things to say, things I need to get off my chest, also stuff that I wouldn't feel totally comfortable talking about with anyone else. It's weird, but I feel okay writing it here than I do telling someone.
Last night Matt rang and asked if it'd be alright for him to come and collect his sunglasses that he left here a few nights ago. A couple of hours later he arrived and asked if I wanted to go for a drive n get some fresh air.
He just drove and drove and we talked alot, just about how things with him at home were and I was talking about Pete and how sweet hes been. I noticed a slight change in him but nothing that worried me to be honest.
I noticed a sign saying we'd entered teignmouth and I suggested a walk on the beach, seeing as though it was a fairly nice and cool night, it was deserted and we were getting on really well, just having a laugh and kicking sand around. Then he got onto the subject of him and I.. He wanted to know if we had a chance, but he didn't give me a chance to answer, he tried it on with me and I pulled back, I reminded him I had a boyfriend, but he really didn't seem to care, and when I kept resisting he ended up hitting me. I was.. wow.. I didn't know what to do or what to think, all I could feel was a throbbing on my left cheek bone.. Matt just stood there shouting at me. Usually If something like that had happened I'd fight back, I done a year of kickboxing, I know how to hurt a guy.. But for some reason I just froze. I couldn't even talk, all I could feel was my eyes beginin to water and this un-bareable pain.
Thing is, I knew I had to get back into that car with him I probably shouldn't have, but I had no other choice really. In the car on the way back he was apologising and saying he didn't mean to do it, I hate it when they say "I'd never hurt you intentionally" ...Oh.. So.. THE INVISIBLE MAN MADE YOU HIT ME, HUH? Pft.
I tried my best to dodge my mum when I got home n just went n layed in a dark room for about 20mins 'till she went to bed. I couldn't think of a believable reason why part of my face was swollen and red.
So that was my wednesday night. Good huh?
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| Something to pass the time |
[12 Aug 2003|10:59am] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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music |
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Shania Twain. |
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Last car ride: Yesterday coming back from Mikes
Last kiss: Last thursday or something.
Last good cry: Haven't cried in ages actually. Probably like 2 months ago. har.
Last library book checked out: I haven't used the library in 3 years.
Last movie seen: Miss Congeniality
Last book read: I don't read books XD
Last cuss word uttered: Shit
Last beverage drank: milk
Last food consumed: Toast
Last crush: still on going .. recently got over one that needed to be over with .. but i still have two .. crushes rock, thats why
Last phone call: Mum. o.O
Last TV show watched: Most Haunted on Living.
Last time showered: Exactly.. 1 hour and 13 minutes ago.
Last shoes worn: Nike Trainers
Last CD played: shania twain <3
Last item bought: eeyor
Last downloaded: Santana - Smooth
Last annoyance: Yesterday
Last disappointment: Saturday
Last soda drank: I'm sorry, but I refuse to answer that. "SODA" PFT PFT
Last thing written: Lemme go check. Hm, In one of my PM's.. "Don't you shake your head at me, young lady." =/
Last key used: the one to my front door
Last words spoken: "awww, baby" (My cat)
Last sleep: last night .. my sleeping patterns are so messed up these days tho, so im lucky for last night
Last IM: Bex
Last ice cream eaten: Rocket.
Last time amused: That thread on xMike yesterday. "JUZT COZ I CANT SPEEL"
Last time wanting to die: =/
Last time in love: A long long time ago.
Last time hugged: Yesterday.
Last time resentful: Can't remember.
Last chair sat in: This one?
Last lipstick used: chapstick and yesterday
Last underwear worn: Pervs.
Last bra worn: =/
Last time dancing: haR. Sat.
Last poster looked at: my sandra bullock one and like 5 secs ago XD XD XD
Last web page visited: live journal ..
1 MINUTE AGO: It was 11.08?????????
1 HOUR AGO: It was 10.09?????????
1 DAY AGO: okay okay, 1 day ago I was at mikes where he chucked me in his pool fully clothed :|
1 WEEK AGO: -yawn-
1 YEAR AGO: die.
I HURT: my shoulder when I walloped it off the side of my door when I was half asleep.
I LOVE: My babies and my mummy. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Eh.
I HATE: fake people and liars more than anything
I FEAR: that ill never get over my issues and that will deeply hurt my life
I HOPE: That I find someone who makes me happy.
I FEEL: TOO HOTTTTTTT
I DRIVE: the batmobile. HA. In yoooour FACE
I MISS: Ali
I LEARNED: that these things are a waste of time.
I NEED: a drink
I THINK: you suck.
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[10 Aug 2003|01:25am] |
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Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had |
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I got up at 11am today. Believe me, thats EARLY. I was meant to be meeting Pete at 1 outside the pub but he called at like 12.45 and told me he was feeling sick. I was the definition of pissed off :P Typical guy, who else leaves it that late to tell someone? Pft PFT PFTPFPPFPPT PFT. Yeah.
I was actually glad he canceled in the end, it was boiling. I woulda ended up laying in the middle of the road dying of heat exhaustion. I didn't wanna let him know that though, I made him suffer a good long while. HA. In hissssss FACE. :/ I sound bad don't I? Hrm. Don't say yes unless you want my foot up your arse.
So with my plans gone to pot I slouched in front of the computer and then at around 7pm Michelle came online and she was complaining of being bored. So I said get ready n we'll go down to the pub for a few games of pool, we both toddled off and got dressed, etc etc, brushed the hair (CANT FORGET THE HAIR) and then I remembered It was saturday.. I've never wanted it to be sunday more in my life. The Pub woulda been packed with 40 year old slime. So we gave it a miss and I done some more posting on xM. ha.
What a wonderful night.
But I watched miss congeniality for the 4567474th time.. I are now happy. ;)
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[09 Aug 2003|12:10am] |
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giggly |
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Kid Rock - Cowboy |
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What a night! Mike picked me up along with Vicki and Emma and then we headed off to finlake holiday park. When we got there the entertainment had already started and there were cute waiters everywhere ^_^ Vicki noticed that I was staring at one in particular quite alot and decided to go and have a word with him while I went to the bar :/
40 minutes later I seen him walk towards me in normal clothes n I was just expecting him to collect the empty glasses or whatever.. But he sat down beside me and asked me If I'd dance with him to the next song.. I nearly fuggin fell off my chair.
Mike decided to go back to the caravan to get on another shirt (Emma accidently knocked a reef over him lmao)
Anyway, Daniel Bedingfield came on (the slow dance song of the night) and his arm was round me, Vicki and Emma grabbed themselves two other hunky guys and at the end he kissed meeeeeeeee. But Mike came back and seen... He was so pissed off. (Maybe I should mention he's my ex) Apparently he still has feelings for me, well, so Emma says. I dunno though, he's never shown it before.
I gave him my number, we'll see what happens. :)
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[08 Aug 2003|01:28am] |
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Some song on Magic. :/ |
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Whole bunch of things running around in my head, I know what I want to say, but when my fingers touch the keys.. It wont come out.
Lewis is miserable, so I thought I'd meet up with him tomorrow and try to cheer him up. We haven't seen or spoken to each other in ages.. The majority of you know why. I'm not sure if this is such a good idea, afterall. It's always a love hate situation with us.. It's never inbetween. We're getting on good as friends at the moment.. I want things to stay this way. We have a good time together, he's just shit at relationships, I will not be sucked into it again.
I daren't tell me friends or my Mum I'm seeing him, they'll dis-approve.. They know he always ends up hurting me. I don't know why I keep going back for more, It's absurd.
But once I spend so much time with someone, It's hard to fall out of that routine, you know?
Ugh, this didn't come out right.
But onto the second part of my confused little brain.
Pete .. Lewis' mate, we get on well, he's a really sweet guy. He has a major thing for me, and I kinda have a lil crush on him too, but I'm scared of getting close. Things always go wrong, ends up in tears. Theres a part of me thats saying "go for it" but theres also a part thats saying "no, shut the door" ... My head is fucked. =D
Nothing is coming out right tonight, maybe I should quit while I'm ahead.
Shall update tomorrow and let you know how things went. Dun dun dunnn.
Adios.
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| :O :O |
[07 Aug 2003|11:54pm] |
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mood |
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Creed - One Last Breath |
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Look at my beautiful profile!!
Thank you, Caraness!! You're the bestest! :) <3
While she was telling me the codes to put in my editor I felt something on my head, so I felt the top and there was this HUGE thing, and seeing as though I obviously don't have eyes way up there I didn't know what It was. So I grabbed it and threw it, the bugger landed on the chair and I seen it was a grass hopper. In a panic I threw a plate on top of it. Well.. I thought I did. After that "little" fright I carried on with the coding, but because I'm too dumb, I gave Cara my pass.
Anyway, alls going well.. Until I look to my right n see the damn big insect on the computer table. I NEARLY DIED, I've never got up off my chair so fast in my life.
And guess what I did?
I HIT IT WITH MY SHOE. Predictable huh? I thought so.
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| HOORAY! |
[07 Aug 2003|10:04pm] |
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dorky |
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Simple Plan - I'd do anything |
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Thanks to Traci I now have an LJ. I love you! :)
Now, I just gotta find Cara to make me a background. Heh. I have the greatest friends ;P
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